


The Little Match Boy vs Black Excellence

by callusedsilk



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Annoyance, Bickering, Comedy, Friendship, Gen, Inspired by a Commercial, Jokes, Language, Lots of Cursing, Reckless Behavior, T'challa - Freeform, bucky and sam swear like sailors, bucky barnes and steve rogers are dating and practically married, bucky barnes is in love with steve rogers, discussion of steve rogers vs t'challa, everyone has a crush on t'challa really, i've got jokes, lots of language, mentions of nakia, mentions of okoye, mentions of shuri - Freeform, sam and bucky are bros, sam wilson has a crush on t'challa, short drabble fic, steve rogers - Freeform, stucky is otp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2019-05-03 21:25:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14577981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/callusedsilk/pseuds/callusedsilk
Summary: Spending a day with Sam Wilson hadn't been Bucky's first choice, second choice, third choice, or even his fourth or fifth choice. In fact, he'd rather be doing a lot of other things, but he's hanging out with Sam for Steve.One extremely long red light and one random debate show that was a Really Bad Idea™.





	The Little Match Boy vs Black Excellence

**Author's Note:**

  * For [HeyGina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeyGina/gifts).



> This fic was inspired by [this video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jz1T1o95tCk).

The light had to be broken. It just absolutely had to. And the fact that it _was_ broken had to be some sort of cosmic punishment for his past sins since the only other person in the car with him was the bane of Bucky’s existence: Sam Wilson. Sam Wilson was arguably a talented, smart, charismatic, and capable man that also happened to be one of the best friends of the love of Bucky’s goddamn life. Also, Sam Wilson was a grade A asshole.  
  
It’d been Steve’s idea for the two of them to spend time together, which is how they ended up spending the afternoon running errands together. That, in turn, was the catalyst for how they ended up sitting at the world’s longest stoplight sitting in silence and not looking at each other.  
  
“Black Panther is better than Captain America.”  
  
Scoffing and glancing over at Sam, who was still staring straight out the window, Bucky shook his head, “You’ve been out in the heat too long if you’re spouting bullshit like that.”  
  
“Just telling the truth. Only reason you can’t see it is because you’re practically married to Steve.”  
  
Bucky shook his head, “No. Not a chance. My relationship with Steve has got nothing to do with it. Steve is just clearly goddamn better. He's been a hero and an icon and a piece of shit pain in my ass for a hundred years.”  
  
Sam snorted, “Your boy getting his ass frozen doesn't count for shit. T'challa's a goddamn king.”  
  
Bucky scowled, glaring as the light finally turned green and he started to drive. After he made the turn though, he snapped, “We're a fucking democracy, Sam. We told the monarchy to fuck off hundreds of years ago.”  
  
“You would know, you old ass bitch. You were there,” Sam said before cackling, clearly pleased with himself.  
  
“Yeah, yeah. Yuck it up. You ain’t got shit and you know it. Steve defeated Hydra. Twice.”

“If he’d done it right the first time, there never would have been a second time. My man T’Challa would only have to do it once.”  
  
“Queen Nakia know you’re calling him ‘your man’?”  
  
“Man, shut the hell up. I know you’re not too white to know what the hell ‘my man’ means.”  
  
Bucky rolled his eyes, focusing on the road, but flipped the man off while retorting, “Steve’s been standing up for what’s right since back when he was just a tiny thing. Barely 5’4”, not even a hundred pounds, and—”  
  
“I swear to God, if you start going on about how goddamn beautiful you thought Steve was in his own personal genderbent rendition of _The Little Match Girl_ , I’m going to goddamn hurl.”  
  
“Jesus. I wasn’t going to do that. When have I ever done that?”  
  
“Every damn day. You and Steve are the most obnoxious fuckboys on the entire planet. T’Challa, on the other hand, now that’s a man who knows how to just be impressive. He’s a cool dude.”  
  
Bucky paused, going quiet, but then glanced over and said in a serious voice, “Wait, shh, did you hear that?”  
  
Sam frowned, sitting up straighter, “No, what?”

Bucky kept his face grim, “It’s the sound of that stupid fucking sentence getting back to General Okoye, Queen Nakia, and Princess Shuri, and every single one of them laughing so hard that they collapse.”  
  
Immediately after he finished speaking, Bucky burst into laughter and Sam glared before snapping, “Man, fuck you. At least T’Challa made a move in under a century. Points just keep adding up for _my_ king. Nothing but greatness from the dictionary definition of Black Excellence himself.”  
  
Bucky sighed, “I’m not saying T’Challa isn’t great. He is. He’s done amazing shit for his country, and for the world, and he happens to be one of my favorite people, although his sister is better. He’s definitely top three people on the planet, but Steve still has an edge. Steve’s been fighting for the whole world for his entire life. T’Challa only branched outside of Wakanda recently.”  
  
“Your boyfriend’s a goddamn martyr.”  
  
“My boyfriend _is_ a goddamn martyr, but he saved this goddamn planet more times than any of us can count. Inspired countless men and women to do the right thing. Steve also wasn’t born into power. He was born into nothin’, raised by an overworked widow with barely enough to go around. Steve pulled himself out of nothing and turned himself into a hero.”  
  
“If you start singing literally _any_ of the songs from Hercules, I’m going to throw up all over you. At least my man never had to wear tights.”  
  
“God, really? Bringing up the tights? That’s just petty.”  
  
“You’re just bitter. Steve Rogers is not, has never, and will never be as good as T’Challa.”  
  
“Steve is better.”  
  
“T’Challa’s better.”  
  
“Steve.”  
  
“T’Challa.”  
  
Bucky sighed and then grumbled, “You know what? Fuck this.”  
  
Unbuckling his seatbelt, Bucky then opened the his door and threw himself out of the driver’s seat and onto the pavement. He winced as he hit the ground, but then stood up and wiped his hands on his pants as the car slammed into a tree in front of Sam’s house. Immediately the man got out and then pointed to the car and then the tree before shouting, “Are you fucking kidding me? What the fuck is wrong with you?”  
  
“Steve’s better than T’Challa.”  
  
Sam gaped and Bucky shrugged, pulling out his phone for a tow of the car as Sam stormed toward his house while ranting about dumb white boys.  
  
He’d get over it eventually.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is just a random drabble and technically isn't part of my OT3 (Steve/Bucky/Viv) universe, although if you'd like to think of it as a very far distant part of it, then you totally can.


End file.
